When I sat down with Emma Harris, a child psychologist with over a decade of experience, I was eager to delve into the complex world of childhood emotional regulation. Emma’s calm demeanor and insightful observations painted a vivid picture of the challenges parents face and the strategies they can employ to help their children manage intense emotions.
“Many children have difficulty regulating their emotions,” Emma began. “Tantrums, outbursts, whining, defiance, fighting—these are all behaviours you see when kids experience powerful feelings they can’t control. This is called emotional dysregulation. The good news is that there are lots of calming techniques that parents can teach kids.”
Emma’s approach to emotional dysregulation is both practical and empathetic. “An important first step,” she explained, “is to help children understand how their emotions work. Kids don’t go from calm to sobbing on the floor in an instant. That emotion built over time, like a wave. Kids can learn control by noticing and labeling their feelings earlier, before the wave gets too big to handle.”
Emma emphasized the significance of rethinking how we view emotions. “A lot of kids are growing up thinking anxiety, anger, sadness are bad emotions,” she said. “But naming and accepting these emotions is a foundation to problem-solving how to manage them.”
Parents, Emma noted, often want their kids to be happy all the time and may inadvertently minimize their negative feelings. “You don’t want to create a dynamic that only happy is good,” she warned. “Children need to learn that we all have a range of feelings.”
One of the most powerful tools in Emma’s arsenal is modeling. “For younger children, describing your own feelings and modeling how you manage them is useful,” she noted. “They hear you strategizing about your own feelings, when you’re nervous or frustrated, and how you’re going to handle it, and they can use these words.”
Emma shared a practical technique: ranking the intensity of emotions from 1-10. “If you forget something that you meant to bring to Grandma’s, you could acknowledge that you are feeling frustrated and say that you’re at a 4. It might feel a little silly at first, but it teaches kids to pause and notice what they are feeling.”
Validation, Emma explained, is another crucial tool. “Validation is showing acceptance, which is not the same thing as agreement. It’s nonjudgmental. And it’s not trying to change or fix anything.” She highlighted the importance of paying undivided attention to your child, understanding their perspective, and reflecting back to them what you’re hearing.
Emma also touched on a concept called “active ignoring.” “Ignoring behaviours like whining, arguing, inappropriate language or outbursts is a way to reduce the chances of these behaviours being repeated. It’s called ‘active’ because it’s withdrawing attention conspicuously.”
Yet, Emma was quick to point out that positive attention is equally, if not more, important. “The most powerful tool parents have in influencing behaviour is attention. Positive attention will increase the behaviours you are focusing on. When you’re shaping a new behaviour, you want to praise it and give a lot of attention to it.”
Setting clear expectations and maintaining consistent routines are also key strategies. “It’s important to keep those expectations very clear and short,” Emma advised. “Dependable structure helps kids feel in control.”
Transitions, Emma noted, can be particularly challenging for kids who struggle with big emotions. “Providing a warning before a transition happens can help kids feel more prepared. ‘In 15 minutes, we’re going to sit down at the table for dinner, so you’re going to need to shut off your PS4 at that time.’ It may still be hard for them to comply, but knowing it’s coming helps kids feel more in control and stay calmer.”
Emma also suggested giving children options to reduce outbursts and increase compliance. “You can either come with me to food shopping or you can go with Dad to pick up your sister. Giving two options reduces the negotiating that can lead to tension.”
Coping ahead, Emma explained, involves planning in advance for potentially challenging situations. “If a child was upset last time they were at Grandma’s house because they weren’t allowed to do something they get to do at home, coping ahead for the next visit would be acknowledging that you saw that they were frustrated and angry, and discussing how they can handle those feelings.”
Problem-solving is another vital skill. “If a child has a tantrum, it’s good to revisit briefly, in a non-judgmental way. Engaging the child in thinking about what happened and strategizing about what could have been done differently can help them remember these strategies next time.”
Finally, Emma highlighted the importance of spending special time with your child. “Even a small amount of time set aside reliably, every day, for a parent to do something chosen by a child can help that child manage stress at other points in the day. This five minutes of parental attention should not be contingent on good behaviour. It’s a time, no matter what happened that day, to reinforce that ‘I love you no matter what.’”
As our conversation drew to a close, Emma’s insights left me with a profound understanding of how parents can navigate the turbulent waters of childhood emotions. By teaching children to recognise, label, and manage their feelings, parents can help them build essential skills for a lifetime of emotional health.
Harry Smith
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